Yes, I'm talking to you. Put down the glitter and back away from the cardboard cutout of Robert Pattinson.
First off, you must know, I loved the first three books in the TWILIGHT SAGA. Loved. I'm not a Twilight hater, at ALL. (This is usually the part where I tell you how I was one of the first people to read and love the series, and waited for each book's release...but that's redundant and braggy, so I'll leave it out). Breaking Dawn, the book, was, in my opinion, stretching this storyline too far into the realm of ridiculousness. All due respect to Stephenie Meyer, whose writing I adore (go read THE HOST if you haven't done so already!) she lost me at Renesmee.
So, this past weekend, I went to see Breaking Dawn Part 1. Why? You ask. I didn't particularly like the book, so why did I see the movie? Curiosity, my friends, Curiosity.
You should also know that I have been the obnoxious person in the movie theater giggling at Kristen Stewart's stuttering over her lines, Robert Pattinson's Chanel Lipstick (Red Passion No. 5, if I'm not mistaken), and the awkward lack of chemistry between the two. I apologize, but I couldn't help myself. I have never connected to the cast, and had a very hard time with the movies...all of them, even the adaptations of the books I loved.
The one thing that really shocked me was the lack of dialogue. Was this because K-Stew had so much trouble remembering her lines for the first three movies? Did they turn her microphone off so we didn't hear her sighing and figured, hey, why not stop her from speaking altogether? Did someone actually think that R-Patt was at his best giving brooding looks? (I'm still miffed that the producers didn't allow R-Patt to slay us with his British accent. I would have suspended that disbelief! Brits are sexy.) I don't know if it's a sound issue, but it was as if they had a quiet set and all the actors had to whisper. None of the dialogue, as little of it there was, felt natural or comfortable.
Don't even get me started on the inappropriate soundtrack selections! The music didn't match the movie in several places. This just added to the already awkward vibe.
Jacob had the most, and best, dialogue of the entire movie, except for Charlie (LOVE Charlie!!). In fact, we wanted more of Jacob. He's adorable, and his acting has grown beyond hot-guy-without-a-shirt. We also missed the banter between Jacofb and Rosalie. She didn't call him a dog nearly enough, nor did he give his cute half-smile, and a sarcastic, "Sure, sure," that I grew to love in the books. More Charlie and more Jacob next time, please. The story is about Edward and Bella, you say? Pfshh. whatever.
Speaking of Edward and Bella...as if you didn't know by now...they get married. The best part of the wedding? The TOASTS! Hilarious! Ok, ok, so I loved her dress too. It was perfect - elegant, unique, beautiful, and true to the books with a touch of lace. It fit K-Stew perfectly too (more on her bod later). There are no pictures on the web that do the dress justice - you have to see it from all sides to really appreciate it. Gorgeous.
The worst part of the movie for me? Wolf pack meeting voiceovers - so bizarre. It made me think of the dogs from Pixar's UP. Squirrel!
Ugh, does this make me sound creepy? Taylor Lautner is adorable, and as someone firmly planted in Team Jacob, he has made me proud.
Made me realize I need to hit the gym. That is, until she didn't look so great. In fact, they made her look like Gollum in the post-honeymoon scenes.
The most interesting part of the movie happens AFTER THE CREDITS...PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE! Someone tried to get all clever by introducing some interesting between-the-credits scenes with the Volturi. We accidentally caught it because we were too stunned with underwhelmed confusion to get out of our seats fast enough in the dark. Whose idea was this?!?
I think readers who actually enjoyed Breaking Dawn the Book will find Breaking Dawn the Movie entertaining and slightly less uncomfortable, if not downright nauseating at times (vomit, blood, bruises and Gollum - I truly was nauseous and said "ew" a LOT). Those of us who do not acknowledge Breaking Dawn The Book as part of the great Twilight trilogy will find Breaking Dawn the Movie just as ridiculous as the book.
Because I am a glutton for punishment, I will probably see Part 2 and suffer through Bella's sparkling.
Don't be afraid, K-Stew actually smiles in this movie. Just once, so I felt like I had to share the still.
Editing this post to add: I have gotten some *ahem* backlash on my snark, so I felt that I should add another statement. I fully and honestly admit that I am thirty-something years old. Neither the books NOR the movies were intended for me and my generation of women (despite the age of some women camping out). Were I in my teens, I would be all over The Twilight Saga movies and books. Had I not grown up in the era of Sixteen Candles, Say Anything and The Breakfast Club, Robert Pattinson would be my Jake Ryan, Kellan Lutz would be my Judd Nelson, and Taylor Lautner would be my John Cusack. So, despite my snark, I get it. I really do. If you're a teen.
(Oh, and by the way, I just wasted a solid 30 minutes on YouTube looking at clips from some of my favorite 80s films. You know what? I still love Judd Nelson and John Cusack...and still have a crush on Jake Ryan!)